maybe that means that i will be very honest about life and make a lot of spelling errors.
but anyway...
I finished Capital I today. It took a long time and i was disturbingly focused for most of the day.
I just got back from a party...i suppose it was fine.
I met a guy from Azerbaijan....did i spell that right?
i think that's really cool--never met anyone from there before!
Why is it in life, you can have so much of what you don't want (but kinda want), but you can never have what you really want?
I'm starting to think that I got really strangely vain in the last year, started to think i'm hot shit (kinda half-way) in one way or another, but it's not really true. it's like the facade has changed, but i really don't see life or feel life any differently than when i was in college and I sorta new that guys wanted to sleep with me, but i wasn't sure or was afraid to do it. and i was good at other things that were independent...so, I worked; now, i work, and I try to find fulfillment in it....which does work, because i do love it, but it's not life, you know? just...activity. there's something about being human, sensuousness, connection, that is pretty hard to fulfill when the context isn't right. Why is it that when i want it, i can't get it or pursue it? but when i don;t want it, it falls in my lap?
I think that soemtimes, i project this sort of confident attitude or over-sociability that leads to misunderstanding about who i am. I dunno....wow....this doesn't make any sense anymore, does it? well, at least it's honest....not structured....not conscious....but honest, free-association, drunken, disappointed. going to puke.
i forgot to eat dinner before going to this party and then i had 2 1/2 drinks. i got DRUNK. I hate that. cheap date/bad companion, right?
I'm trying to eat now, but i really want to puke.
i think i might have an easter egg hunt on sunday...my bunny would lead all the people to the eggs filled with chocolate.
you know....i'm sorta socially dissatisfied right now...
my bunny is eating my pretzel, which is ok because i done't want to eat it anyway....but is at the same time not ok because it might kill her.
i hope she doesn't die.
i will give her water to counteract the sodium.
then i wil wallow in drunken self-pity.
on to the library tomorrow, to finish my work til tuesday and be ready for suzy when she comes...
i think i'm really going ot puke.
love,
$.
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